Bai Ling has been a fixture in movies for more than 30 years. After establishing herself as a top actress in China during the ‘80s and early ‘90s, she landed her first big break playing Myca in 1994’s The Crow. Roles soon followed in major films including Red Corner, Wild Wild West, and Anna and the King.
But after a shoplifting arrest at Los Angeles International Airport and a series of bizarre interviews and red carpet appearances, Ling checked into Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew in 2011 to address her alcohol problem. She revealed a painful past, that included sexual abuse as a teenager from Chinese army officers while she served as a soldier in the People’s Liberation Army—but beginning to understand the psychological marks it left on her helped her overcome issues with drinking.
Ling has now been sober for more than four years and has continued to work on a number of film projects, with eight movies she has roles in currently in post-production. She spoke exclusively with The Fix about her time at Pasadena Recovery Center, why she feels pressure to drink while filming in China, and why she chooses not to remember exactly how long she’s been sober.
Where are you in your sobriety now?
I’m completely free from all obsessions about alcohol. My body gave me the alarm that I’m allergic to alcohol. I felt anxious, and then the next day I felt like hell. The poison from the alcohol is almost like nature’s own way of reminding me why I don’t take it, but it’s often the warning signs that you ignore. Consciously, I knew the effects of alcohol were bad for me, but I ignored it because I felt fun when I drank. I had to register the bad symptoms, that alcohol affected my job and my relationships with people. If I didn’t stop, it was going to make my life worse.
It’s been four years that you’ve been sober now?
Four years. It’s been a long time. The good thing is, I don’t even think about how many years it’s been. If you count like that, you start to worry that you’ll slip over to the other side. Don’t add the years. It’s too heavy. I feel so much lighter just thinking that I don’t need to use for today, and just taking it one day at a time.
When you were on Celebrity Rehab, you insisted that you weren’t an alcoholic, but were allergic to small amounts of alcohol. Do you still feel that way?
I do. Every time I have champagne, I’m dancing with all the men and being intimate with them. I said, “Well, that’s what alcohol does to me.” There’s a joyful thing with alcohol. I’m actually shy and I have to know the environment to be free when I’m sober. Alcohol gave me that freedom all the time and I’m attracted to that. But now I’m refusing that, and training my body and mind to have that pleasurable freedom naturally. If you believe in yourself enough and don’t depend on alcohol, you end up having so much more fun without it.
When you first came to the treatment center on the show, you broke down and started crying outside. How scary was getting help for you?
It’s a scary thing because you’re used to your environment. I didn’t know the environment. I didn’t know the doctor. You feel like it’s going to be a jail, and someone is going to interrogate you or bring your confidence down. But these are challenges of my personality. And ultimately, it’s about trust. You learn how to trust just like you learn how to walk when you’re a baby. Once I trusted the symptoms, trusted the doctors, I learned that if you’re kind, people are kind to you.
Did you think you had a problem with alcohol before doing the show?
I thought I might have a problem. I wasn’t happy with my life. I was walking on a death line, but I don’t know how to stop. I was struggling and I was confused.
But I also knew that I could not reject this opportunity. I knew that this is the way I had to enter, even though I wasn’t thinking clearly. That’s just part of my personality. I have fear like everyone, but I will challenge myself. Part of it was being curious, part of it was being excited. I just trusted my instinct and thought maybe someone needs me to do this so they can see it for themselves and not die. That’s how powerful the program could be. And now, I feel so much powerful than I ever realized.
You’ve been open about how your media portrayal when you were drinking affected you. How long did it take for you to change your reputation? Do you still feel like that’s a battle?
I’m not really trying to change it because I don’t have to do the public life. I’m just me. I’m proud of who I am. It’s funny because every time I dress elegantly, nobody sees the pictures, but when I show my nipples it’s all over the world. That’s just weird to me.
People can take it the wrong way and think I’m crazy, but I have a passion and a curiosity for life. I have to be this way or else my sparkle will die and I won’t be any good as a performer. Nobody’s perfect, but I embrace all of that. I just have to be me.
You’ve said that you have to drink when you’re filming in China. What did you mean by that?
There is a little bit more pressure there. The normal people in China think that I’m a Hollywood star, so I have to work really hard to get them to try and accept me. If I don’t drink, they think I believe I’m better than them. I’ve gotten to the point where I can take a sip of alcohol for them. I can taste that little bit, but I’ll tell them I’m not drinking anymore. Otherwise, I’ll have a second sip and a third sip, and go from there. But I’m good at controlling myself. You have to train your mind not to have a second sip. It’s mind power. No matter how many doctors you go to, no matter how many AA meetings you go to, they cannot teach you this.
What are some of the things that have worked for you in staying sober?
Don’t give yourself pressure. You have to value what is good and bad in the world. But if there’s an alarm of danger in your life, you have to stop. You have a sickness and you have to do something about it. I also wouldn’t talk about dealing with everything or how long you’ve stayed sober for. Just take it easy and one day at a time. Otherwise it’s too much pressure, too much AA. You don’t need the heavy treatment to learn these things. Just love yourself.