My silence may not seem so obvious
because I keep my pain in a box
all wrapped up in plain brown paper
stashed neatly away because it may make you uncomfortable
You see my silence as just a break from real life
you are right and oh so wrong
it is damage control
i try not to share my pain
because inside of it
there is still hope
and sometimes
hope is the only ace in the hole I have
Silence is what I do
when the grief rises
and tries to close me down
I keep quiet
only so I can hear the story of my heart
as it tries to reason
as it tries to bargain
as it tries to strike a deal
when it feels like bleeding out
when it feels like there are too many cracks in it
when it feels like it will always be little shards
held together by the hope I still hold on to
When I told you I was ill
you brought food to my door
cards arrived in the mail
messages were sent
phone calls were made
flowers were sent
you reached out
you held me up
you lifted my spirit
your gift of love
became a life raft
when I put a voice
to my daughter’s addiction
let the truth slip out
your silence became a sonic boom
heard ’round the world
it was fucking deafening
There was no tasty food
no card
no phone call
no message
no flowers
No nothing
That silence was even louder than my own
it made the earth shake and shudder
and it became the line drawn in the sand
where no crossing to the other side could happen
You could never know how that silence
took me to my knees
adding another fissure in my heart of hearts
yet,
I recognize that it is only fear
that separates us now
possibly forever
and still…
I forgive you
because the one thing that remains true in my life
is love
and love always wins
There is no food
to soothe a soul
too saturated
by the darkness
on the other side of the light you know me for
You may judge me if you need to
if it makes you feel better
but always know that I pray for you
that you should never know this disease
that you should never feel its pain
that you should never look at your child
and wonder…
will I see you tomorrow
or will it be “that” day
when the silence becomes forever
that you will never hear their voice again
or see them smile
or touch their hand while it is still warm and full of life
yes, I pray and pray and pray
that you or your children
remain safe from addiction’s harm
I would never judge you
never…
because I know too well the feeling of being altered
by another’s action
I know it with every breath
with every tick of the clock
with every season that passes
as I wait silently for the cure to take hold
and release her/us from all that waiting
I pray that your children flourish
and life holds them up
and yes
I will bake a lasagne for you anytime
if you need it
no matter what
to show you that my love is more than knee deep
I pray you never know the depth of my silence
I pray your heart never bleeds
I pray your children never stray
that they are never seduced by this predator called addiction
yes, I pray and I pray and I pray and I pray
that your life is forever filled with joy
and that you never know this fear
that becomes embedded like a sliver
that has gone too deep to be retrieved
I will always love you
no matter what!
Jacqui Brown is the author or more than 20 Self-Help, Humor, and Fiction books. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two children, and two pups!